Growing Up, Growing Complacent.

Posted: November 8, 2010 in Epiphanies and such.
Tags: , , , , ,

Hi, kids. It’s been a long time since my last post. I feel like I should follow that up with something to the effect of, “it’s been 2 months, 4 days and 17 hours since my last drink…”

All alcoholism aside, I’ve been busy being a grown up, and stuff. And I don’t like it. When I was a littleR kid, I used to envy Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. I wanted to stay young forever as my childhood was amazing – I loved every second of it. I was spoiled with toys, fun and exciting parents who always had time to play, family dogs, all the play space in the world, a goofy sister who looked and acted like my twin, and a backyard full of crab apples to bat with a plastic woofle bat. That wasn’t the entirety of my childhood, but that sums up a lot of it. Point is, I loved being a kid. I loved going to school and getting to participate, rather than having to. I loved that my toughest decision, at any point, was which cowboy boots to wear to school, and which cereal to eat on Saturday mornings in front of which cartoons. Life was rough. And I loved it.

Fast forward seventy-three years.
…Because I’m that old.

I just bought my first house. MY first house! It’s mine, entirely. I get to walk around in my chonies and itch and scratch whatever, wherever, without people giving me weirds looks. I get to eat and drink what I want, when I want, out of whatever dishes I want. It’s all my perogative. I am, for the first time in my life, THE man in charge. And as a control freak, this is a huge turn on for me, sexually. Jk, not sexually, but I really do love it. I love the freedom, and the control, and the sense of accomplishment that comes with it. I love checking MY mail, in MY mailbox, and finding MY bills. Wait, scratch the bills part. And while we’re at it, let’s scratch the sense of accomplishment part. Why, you ask?

As exciting as buying my first house is, it comes with a lot of downsides that I hadn’t previously considered. I don’t care about the bills part, I’m entirely okay with paying for everything I employ, and I can afford to. But what I don’t like, is the sense of complacency that has come with the house. Before actually moving in, I didn’t think it was possible to buy a house in the first place. But as I’ve learned over the years, if I want something, I’m going to make it happen. And I did. And it happened a lot quicker than I was ready for. I had all of these huge plans to remodel and update and garden and so on – all of the things I’ve never been able to do while renting or living under someone else’s roof. And two weeks removed, I now find myself unexcited about the upgrading and remodelling ideas I was so previously ecstatic about. What the shit. It’s not supposed to work that way, right?

I’m already looking WAY ahead at buying a bigger and newer house, with a bigger garage, and nicer car inside of it. I’ve realized that there is no in-between. I’m either extremely complacent, or over-the-top ambitious. Where do I find a middle ground? Do I even want a middle ground?

The answer is no. No, scratch that. The answer is, ‘fuck no.’ I’ll tell you why. If I let my dreams and aspirations go, I’ll always be complacent. Fuck complacency. It isn’t for me. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue saying it until I’m 136…because I’ll live that long. Complacency isn’t for me. This isn’t complacency, though. For the first time, I’m something more than content. And apparently this is what it feels like to be content, and happy, and accomplished. I suppose I should allow myself to enjoy it and take life a little more slowly, as it comes. I’m not good at that at all – I’m usually forcing life, pushing, hurrying, coercing. This is my opportunity to stray from normalcy and comfort, and let myself enjoy the fruits of my labor…though I hate that term, just sounds ridiculous to me. But you get the point.

So officially, this is me celebrating, maybe just to myself, about buying my first. My own. MY house.

…I just gave myself an air-five, and it was way more awesome than you pictured.

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