Posted: January 15, 2012 in Insight
Tags: , , , , ,

I’m going to take you all for a loopy ride. I won’t take you in the direction you’re expecting to go. I won’t take you somewhere you’ve ever been before. I also won’t take you into a discourse on what the word dedication means and list examples so as to show you what dedication looks like. Rather, I’ll show you what is currently developing in my complicated myriad of brain waves. This will not be a political rant.

You’re sitting at your laptop or desktop in the midst of perusing through one of the 6 websites you frequent on a daily basis. Close the other tabs. They’re not going to inspire emotion. They’re not going to create a necessity for self betterment. They’re not going to make you cry. While none of the above are my intent, they are also the inevitable.

Let’s talk about dedication. To me, dedication is the never ending pursuit toward something unattained. Dedication is a selfless advancement toward a goal or aspiration. It is the relentless giving of one’s self toward something bigger or greater than the individual, coupled with a never-quit attitude until said goal or achievement is attained. It is a commitment that does not waiver. It is selflessness. It is stubbornness, sometimes to a fault. It is something each and every one of us strive to find – whether you pursue a dedication toward a career, family, significant other, empirical and tangible object – the fact remains, we are all dedicated to something. A life without would be an empty and meaningless dread.

My mom is my hero. My mom holds a level a dedication that is unfathomable. My mom is the most unselfish human being I’ve ever known. Imagine, if you will, a life that consists of waking up earlier than you want to every morning to give toward something that tires you, stresses you out, and leaves you feeling unsatisfied every single second you’re engaged. Imagine a life that requires you to give up every last thing you’ve ever wanted or hoped for yourself. Imagine a life that is consumed by giving, nonstop, to people that do not only pay you no recognition for all that you do, rather, give you shit for what you are lacking. Imagine a life that is a constant battle with those you so unselfishly give yourself to every single second of every last day you’re alive. Did I lose you? Can you imagine? For most of you, you can’t. It’s not because you’re not dedicated with the same selflessness. It’s not because these things are alien to you. It’s not because you don’t know someone who lives a similar life. You can’t imagine it because, no matter how hard you strive to be that person, the things aforementioned would tear you apart and kill you inside every single day. The same is not true of my mom. She fights. She blocks. She dedicates. She gives. And gives. And gives. Relentlessly. And it is never noticed. It is never even so much as mentioned. In fact, it is bitched about, constantly. I ask each of you reading this, what would you tell her? What would you say to her if you had even the slightest understanding of what my words convey? Would you tell her to quit? Would you talk shit to the people giving her shit about what she’s NOT doing? Would you be angry that she takes it, day in and day out, and scold her for it? Or, would you take a page out of her book that inspires that same dedication that goes unnoticed?

I’ve spent the better part of twenty-eight years being the epitome of selfish. I’ve lived out my own dreams, with limited anchors or setbacks. I’ve done what I’ve wanted to do. I’ve done whom I’ve wanted to do. I’ve gone places I’ve wanted to go. I’ve said things I’ve wanted to say. I’ve neglected things I didn’t care about or didn’t impact me. I’ve focused on things that have made ME happy, even if those things meant hurting someone else. I’ve literally lived an entire life of selfishness. It’s because of that lifestyle that I’m able to see how completely unselfish my mom is. It’s because of all of the aforementioned shitty things I’ve done and said that I’m able to see the error of my ways and want to correct them. Without her as an example for what dedication should be, I’d be complacent in my selfishness as it’s lead me to an abundance of happiness. However, it has not been fulfilling. Not in the least. Fulfillment, in my estimation, is the light at the end of the tunnel where dedication begins. It’s not dedication that I seek, it’s the fulfillment to be gained from that dedication. My mom exemplifies that. Though I told you I wouldn’t give an example of what dedication looks like, I’ve just done so. Sue me. How about, rather than focusing on that, you focus on ways to impact others for the better. I’ve struggled with that my entire life. And it wasn’t until recently, tonight, maybe, that I’ve realized I am empty without the same dedication my mom gives every single day. I’ve never known a single day of that same dedication. I don’t want it for a day, I want it to be my life.

That said, I can now unfold tonight’s epiphany – I not only want, but need a child of my own. I know, wholeheartedly, without a doubt, that I want to, and will, give and dedicate myself to a child more so than I’ve ever given to anything in my entire life. I’m ready. Not ready for myself and in my own recognizance, but ready transcended from a life that has not yet began. I want that dedication. In fact, I long for it. And the example of dedication that has inspired this comes from the very dedication my mom gives to her family every second of every day, even when it’s a losing battle and all odds are stacked against her. I welcome that same wall of defeat to battle my dedication. I’ll win. Dedication wins. Every single time.

  1. Kaylee says:

    I think you lack a serious amount of what your talking about in your blog.

  2. Kaylee says:

    I think you personally lack in this area..,especially when someone is so deeply in love with you. Maybe you will grow up and realize this before its too late lo

  3. Kaylee says:

    You should know who’s important in your life and make then your priority if you want a solid family

  4. J.Lee says:

    You will be a wonderful father, and I can’t wait to watch you grow into that role.
    Love you

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