For Naught.

Posted: April 17, 2013 in Rants
Tags: ,

I came to my blog with the sole intent to write out something angry and obscene. To say I had a shitfucker of a day would be a massive understatement. Amidst my car trying to fall apart, expensively, a myriad of ungrateful and difficult clients, a job I fucking loathe, a phone book full of sexcapade memoirs but no solace, and a small circle of friends occupied with their own shit and nowhere to be found, ever, I found myself home, alone, drunk and fucking mad. This is pretty commonplace lately. In fact, I don’t really know much else outside said parameters.

I spend my day exhausting every bit of strength and compassion I have to help others. I work tenfold harder than everyone around me. I sleep less. I concentrate more. I engage passionately. I push. I fight. I struggle. I bicker. I rebuttal. I overcome. I fail. I lapse. And relapse. I scream. I cry. I bottle. I vent. I hide. I lie. I run. I face. And I do it all over, every single fucking day. Sounds pretty miserable, right? For the most part it is. But tonight, while I sit at my desk trying to come up with some witty and upbeat spin on my depressing day, I looked up from my screen to see a bright-eyed, oblivious, puppyface waiting for me to pay attention. An hour and a half ago I told him to “go get it! Go find it!” Reagan knows this is code for “there’s a treat hidden somewhere close!” Today, there wasn’t. I just wanted to be alone with my words. My dog, unaffected by my brushoff, had other plans in mind.

At this very second he’s still poking his nose into every corner of my room trying to find a treat. He knows I haven’t left. He knows I didn’t come in here with a treat. He knows he hasn’t smelled a treat. Yet, he still searches. Is he stupid? Naive? Confined to his dog brain capacity? Maybe all of the above. I’d like to believe, however, that it’s some degree of fortitude I lack. Every day I’m forced with a task or series of tasks that I think are greater than me. Most often, they win. Had I the same oblivious fortitude my dog possesses, I might succeed, or at least have the potential to, rather than writing off any possible success. The dude has no defeat. If it takes him all fucking night he’s going to find that treat.

I’m not sure where my treat is, or who hid it, or why the fuck they’d hide it where I wouldn’t find it. But, I will never stop searching. Ever.

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Comments
  1. Dogs teach us more than we may realize, at least not without a lot of analyzing on our end. They have one focus, well besides food, and that is love. Love through all of life no matter what we have going on or not going on they love us just the same. Sometimes I find, when my day is spinning, to snuggle with my dogs. For dogs teach us what is important through it all…maybe because they can’t bitch like all the rest of us.

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