Guilt? No, Thanks.

Posted: August 21, 2013 in Rants
Tags: , ,

Fuck guilt. After my post yesterday I received a lot of attention that wasn’t intentionally elicited. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing at all. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. People care. Here’s the thing, though, and this is almost entirely an internally caused issue: I feel guilty. I felt guilty the second I woke up this morning and right now as I type out this babble.

Last night as I opened doors to dark rooms that are generally intended to stay shut, I was drunk. Drank through the entire post. Drank a couple hours beforehand. And drank for another couple hours afterward. I’m a lightweight and it was the first time drinking in quite some time. Needless to say I was fucked up and though I’m honest in general, alcohol coerces a little more out of me. I’m not saying that I regret what I typed because I was drunk and incoherent. I’m saying that drunk or not I needed to get that shit out, not just for me but for other people to read as well. It’s OK to be fucked up. It’s OK to have problems. It’s OK not to know how to handle them. And it’s OK to depose those problems openly. It’s not for everyone but it helps me. And it helped last night.

Based on responses I received I know that there are people close to me who view me differently, or, worse, will never view me as anything again as they’ve decided to use posts like last night’s as validation for staying clear of me. Good riddance. And for those of you who are unsure how to handle me or think you should tread with caution because I’m unstable, I’m not, and you need not. Not anymore so than before, anyway. I’ve been the same internally miserable person for the better part of thirty years, and no matter what I’ve done to try to change it or how happy I’ve made myself seem, it doesn’t change. It hasn’t yet. I don’t know what to tell you. BUT, here’s something…if you’re reading this trying to figure out how to help as opposed to just simply trying to help, maybe our relationship isn’t what you thought to begin with. If I had people I thought I could depend on or get help from, I’d be doing that, not typing out my mess of a life to WordPress. I don’t mean this to be a passive aggressive way to exclaim my frustration with you, but the reality is that there are so few people I CAN count on that this post speaks to a far greater majority. I believe in accountability, too. That said, I could be reaching out asking for help, and I don’t and that’s on me. Maybe I don’t have the energy to. Maybe I don’t know how to. Maybe I don’t want to because I don’t think anyone gives enough of a shit to help to begin with. Or, maybe I’m just embarrassed.

Regarding all of the above, previous post included, I do not feel guilty. And I won’t. Guilt would push me over the fucking edge.

Can you guess how my day was?! Fuck you.

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Comments
  1. patty says:

    I hope you don’t don’t let yourself get consumed with guilt of any kind. There’s no reason for it! Though I worry about you, I’m never in fear that you’ll do something stupid. You’re too smart for that. Too grounded for that. As for people who are leaving your life because of a time of venting, they’re probably not people you wanted in your life anyway! People who judge you that deeply are seriously flawed in my eyes! Perfect people scare me, and apparently they’re just that. Those who know me either love me or they don’t. I respond to those who love me, I forget about those who don’t. It’s that simple! I’d rather have a few good, true friends, than a ton of acquaintances who think it’s their duty to judge, condemn and hold you to some accountability friendship clause. Ha! It’s one day at a time. You’re moving forward and that’s all that counts. Remember your blessings! I love you always!

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