Slamming Doors

Posted: November 1, 2016 in Uncategorized

When one door closes, another opens, right? What happens if that door is slammed shut? Does another still open afterward? Is the effect still the same? These aren’t rhetorical questions, I really don’t have the answers. Obviously these are metaphors and have no tangible answer, but I’ve asked Jesus, Buddha, Krishna and the guy who works third shift at the gas station, and none seem to have an answer – or haven’t answered. So I’m asking you, internet page, does slamming doors shut continuously mean that others will never open?

I’ve said it a thousand times before and it remains true, I’m pretty blessed and my life is some sort of a fairy tale. That said, though, I’m still a human and I still encounter my battles, they’re just few and far between. But when they do arise I’ve noticed they’re a lot more dramatic and impacting than they would be for most. Not sure if that means I’m a drama queen or what, but I seem to be really good at blowing things out of proportion and slamming multiple doors shut, continuously. I’m not even sure how there are still doors to BE shut to begin with. Metaphorically, someone closes a chapter of their life by ‘shutting’ that door, right? I don’t. I slam the shit out of them. I want everyone around me for a 185,398,245 mile radius to hear the door being slammed and know that it was my doing. I want the person on the other side to hear the rumble and be too afraid to even look back at the door, let alone consider trying to pry it back open. And no one does. No one looks back. No one tries re-opening the door. I usually sit and wait for a bit and hear nothing. I see nothing. No squeak or cracking of the door’s hinges. No shadow underneath the door sill. No heavy breathing. No crying. No talking. Nothing. I slam doors so hard and so fast it seems to not only eliminate whoever is behind that unique door at that very instance, but reverberates to other doors being closed from the aftermath.

So I ask, not if there’s a difference between closing and slamming doors – obviously there is. But how? How do you close a door and assure that chapter’s done without having to slam it? I don’t know that I’ve ever closed a single door in my life, and I’m old as shit, so that’s a lot of doors. All of them have been slammed. And it isn’t just because I’m a black-or-white kind of guy, all-or-nothing type, it’s because I really don’t know how to segue into new doors without others being slammed the fuck shut. I need a life coach. Or patience. Or understanding. Or maybe just a reason not to slam anymore doors shut. I’ve grown accustom to the sound and feel. It doesn’t affect me anymore. I’m not startled by the slam. I’m not jolted by the vibration. I’m not afraid of the emptiness or quiet that lingers afterward. That’s what scares me. It isn’t the not knowing how, it’s the not caring THAT.

I’m never really alone as I’m surrounded by people all day long. And even when I’m not, there’s Reagan, always at my side, loyal as can possibly be. But he has a time frame attached to him. No matter how many times I’ve joked about finding a medical miracle and enabling him to live forever, it’s not realistic (at least not yet). When he passes, what am I left with? WHO am I left with? There are only so many doors left that people are willing to walk through, and I’m trying my damnedest not to slam them shut, too.

 

 

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