Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

This might be the shortest post I’ve ever posted. It won’t take much to piss all over my intended audience – those condoning Occupy Wall Street. First, I can’t stay long as I have to go to bed so as to wake up early for work. My job. My means of survival. My paycheck? Not ringing a bell? K. Second, this comes with the easiest solvent of all time. Ever. Ready?

…Occupy a fucking job, you fucking twits. Occupy the fucking internet job boards. Occupy your resume. Occupy a fucking shower. Occupy a normal sleep schedule. Occupy drug resistance. Occupy responsibility. Occupy accountability. Occupy adulthood. Occupy persistence. Occupy resilience like every other one of the 349,435,943,767,236 human beings on earth do. Occupy a coherent message. Occupy your right to vote. Occupy a dress code that might allow you to find work. Occupy a lack of excuses. Occupy your mother fucking beds so you’re well rested enough to do something productive the following morning, earlier than 2pm.

Problem solved. You’re welcome.

Sincerely,

Nooneunderstandswhythefuckyou’restandingonWallStreetliketheystoleyourabilitytolookforwork.

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I’m not sure what I know, as referenced in the title, just know that I know.

In all seriousness it’s just past midnight, I’ve been studying for the last 36 hours today, and since I had 14 vats of coffee earlier I now can’t sleep. Awesome. I haven’t posted in a long time and thought now would be an opportune time. Right now. Normally I have a handful of political issues to bitch about, but none are coming to mind at the moment, so I’ll bore all two of you reading this with shit that concerns no one and will change the lives of…no one. Well, it might change your life. Okay no, it won’t, I lied, and instead of hitting backspace I just decided to type forward, ’cause I’m a forward moving force and stuff.

A couple months ago I met a chick while trying to sell random items on Craigslist, so as to clear room in my new house. That turned into a hook up. Weird. Around the same time, maybe shortly after, I met a chick at 6 something in the morning at a gas station…who apparently had a boyfriend that she forgot about while I went to “see how awesome her apartment was.” Last week, I was at Home Goods shopping for a plant for my office and an end table to go with the couch I bought, and I ran into a hot older women. Well, I didn’t run into her, she ran into my obvious desire to help all elderly people around me, ’cause that’s the kind of guy I am. What I mean by that is she was short and couldn’t reach something on one of the higher shelves, and asked me to get it for her. I did. And proceeded to turn that into most younger dude’s fantasy, apparently. I’m awesome at being awesome. I’m really modest, and not at all cocky, but manmotherfuckershitballs I meet chicks at the most random places, in the most random ways possible. Also, mom, don’t read any of this. The moral of these stories is…always be me when you’re not being me. Jkay. The real moral is that 14 vats of coffee does not a good night’s sleep make.

How about those Egyptians, huh? It’s weird, but who would have thought that doing more than just talking about a change in governance might actually accomplish something? Apparently Cairo got the memo that clued them in on that crazy idea. I’m going to preemptively read the future and tell you all that, though this is exciting for Egypt right now, it ends miserably. This will be like a zombie movie where the good guys kill them all…and right before the credits role depicting the end of the movie, one of the good guys gets attacked by the last alive-dead zombie guy and is then transformed into a zombie. Only, Egypt doesn’t turn into a zombie…they turn into a land with no Plan B. Not the abortion pill, shits. Plan B…referring to, I don’t know, a backup plan to replace the removal they coerced? I’m all for revolutions and enacting citizen’s rights to protest an unworthy (I use this term loosely) government, but I’m also all for what works. And causing a political upheaval with no Plan B is just plain silly. The coffee said silly. What I’m getting at here, is that I will be running for president of Egypt within the next 6 months-ish, since that’s the tentative time frame given for when new elections will take place. Or whatever they’re doing. Since they don’t know, I can’t either. Either way, I’ll be an awesome Egyptian president, since I like sand and whatnot, and other stuff.

Okay, I love you.

Signed,
Iloveyou.

Because you have nothing better to do, answer this poll honestly. It’s for curiosity’s sake only as I’m interested in A) how many people will actually take the poll, and B) how many people reading my blog are politically inclined, or not. I won’t judge, I promise (clearly, that’s bullshit, but if I admit it in parenthesis, it doesn’t count).

I took a statistics course and found that, ironically, 76.4% of all polls and small numbered samples are inaccurate and completely off. So this one should most definitely be different in that it accounts for not only ALL of America, but the entire world’s opinion, accurately. Nay, the Universe’s! So vote honestly, the entire Universe and all of its million thousand hundred billion contents relies on YOU.

…And in case you’re wondering, and I know you are because you just said it in your head, this poll was published by Jesus Himself, sent to me for the collaboration of info.

This post pertains to issues not relevant to most females. So in advance, I apologize if you’re not on the same page. And on the other hand, if you’re a female and this IS relevant to you…tuck it back farther.

Rewind back to 5am this morning >>>

I’m a male. And I’m young. And I’m powered by testosterone. Lots of it. So I woke up with a hard on, as I do 364 other days a year as well. I unattached myself from my 1,500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, which are like sleeping on sex, and went into the bathroom for my morning piss…it’s how I start every morning, identically the same. This morning, however, while doing my thing, eyes closed, half asleep, bent over a little so as to accommodate my manpart issue (ie: Steve Carell, 40 Year Old Virgin)…I sneezed.

First, let me tell you that to sneeze while pissing is an extreme discomfort. Let alone the mess it leaves due to misfire. Second, having a hard on that’s already next to impossible to aim and control, does not help the issue at all. When you sneeze with a hard on, the manpart jumps, like it’s being hit with a taser. It’s uncomfortable. And as stated previously, if you’re a female and/or don’t have a penis, you probably wouldn’t understand. I don’t know, though, maybe females have similar problems when sneezing while pissing. I really don’t want to know. I’m selfish, and this is about my manpart, dammit!

All of these things happen billions of times a day, separately. Lots of people sneeze. And lots of people get hardons, and lots even piss with them. But put all three of these things together, and it equates to an extremely uncomfortable rarity. There are a lot of political issues that I could bitch and moan about, like whether or not Elena Kagan will actually be confirmed, or what happens with the unemployment extension bill, or whether or not the GOP will actually take back the house with the upcoming elections. These are all important things, but the majority of my posts pertain to politics, and I feel like at least one of them, with more to come, should pertain to my penis. I don’t care whether or not that’s uncomfortable for you or not- it’s not for me. And you’ve read this far. So shut up, and enjoy it. I do.