Posts Tagged ‘Onus’

I don’t know that I’d consider myself a wordsmith, but I am infatuated with impressive vernacular and diction – it’s sort of an¬†aphrodisiac for me – a cerebral enticement that cannot be controlled. But that doesn’t mean I’m a wordsmith. A wordsmith would use the word, ‘druthers,’ in a very nonchalant and smooth placement that goes unnoticed. I don’t and can’t. I threw it out there right from the beginning as I’m not hiding your druthers or mine. Nay. In fact, I’m exploiting them in a celebratory way you’ll understand by the end of this jaunt.

My preferences on all things life have netted me a ton of awesomeness and equally so, an abundance of heartache and pain. I’ll take it – the good with the bad. I like what I like, I want what I want, I need what I need, and no one gets to tell me otherwise. And the same applies to YOU – your preferences are your own, and others may have a bearing on them, but influences are just that – influences. They don’t control or change your wants and likes without YOU consciously or subconsciously changing them, accordingly. There’s nothing wrong with that as influences only have as much power as we give them, and that’s what I wanted to chat with you about. We’re all our own person that’s been comprised of a billion different situations to lead us right here, reading this garbage blog, or in my case, writing it. We all have different stories, triumphs, failures and outside influences to make us our own. I’ve recently become infatuated with the opportunity that life brings. You’d think this would just be a given, but it isn’t. We all take it for granted. I take it for granted. I’ve made a pact with myself to no longer do that. I vowed to no longer take any opportunity life grants me for granted and to not just appreciate all of the opportunity I have, but to live said opportunity. I don’t want to just appreciate things from afar and spend time in thought – what I could or couldn’t do with all of the opportunity I have – rather, to hone and live them, every single goddamn day I have on Earth. Quick interlude: it’s been extremely difficult to not interject expletives left and right whilst vomiting my thoughts here, and I’m not sure if I’m sad or proud of it. More later – interlude over. I want my life to be full of substance and meaning and the obvious road to both is indulgence. Indulge. Just do it. Over and over. And then once more for good measure. These beautiful little openings to amazement are surrounding you even right now – grab ’em!

I just read that last paragraph and felt a little sick to my stomach, it’s a little touchy-feely and preachy and I don’t think I like it. Not yet anyway. That’s not where I’m going with this. I wanted to bring to light life’s bevy of opportunity. I’ve fallen flat on my face and had situations blow up in my face left and right recently. My poor face is a mess, apparently. Regardless, I’m not mad or regretful over the past few months’ circumstances, I’m thankful. I’m okay with taking some bumps and bruises along the way because each one of them leads me closer to my druthers. I’m not even sure what they are, but I’m learning. I’d bet none of you know, either. You probably think you do but it’s either because you’re an idiot or haven’t experienced enough. Go do that! More of it! I’m infatuated with life’s opportunities, even if they lead me straight to heartache and disappointment. I’m not even sure how my heart’s still beating as it’s been drained a lot recently. That’s OK, though. Again, I’ll take my lumps if it leads me closer to my Why, my What, my WHO.

My likes and wants and needs are what make me ME. I’m excited about who I am and who I have been and will be, and more importantly –¬†could be. Every person you surround yourself with will have some sort of a bearing on who you are and who you become, and I love that. I love that I have the option of deciding who stays and who goes, who’s worth opening up to and who isn’t, who’s a positive influence and who isn’t. I’ve been told a lot lately that it makes me a negative and reserved person to have those views. Uh, you’re dumb. If there’s no positivity to be had, why keep the company? If someone isn’t for YOU at all, let ’em go and don’t look back. Loved ones are loved ones because they offer something amazing that can’t be replaced – the ability to help you become better. And vice versa, you’re in other people’s lives because you offer that same substance to them. That’s an amazing symbiosis that leaves me in awe.

I don’t want to feel like I’m a terrible person because I like or want something that someone else doesn’t, even if it’s someone close to me. I don’t want to look back and regret decisions I’ve made because of outside influences – I want to be able to take ownership of every decision I make and feel great about it. The onus is on me. I’ll take that responsibility and run with it until I’ve found my druthers. Search with me.